There are lessons to be found here, but mostly I do this, so you can know me. Lately, as I write these, I realize there as much for me, as they are for you. This is the one place I can be completely open. The pen and paper has no judgement. No vote. It simply receives my truth. It allows me to turn the page. And today, this is my truth. I am terrified, a great deal of the time. Afraid of what I’ve done, of what I’m doing, and what I might have to do. It’s not a crippling fear. In fact, it’s just the opposite. I thrive on it. I crave it. I need that rush of terror to get me out of bed in the mornings. Its in my DNA.
I have tremendous remorse for the acts of violence I have committed. Both planned and spontaneous, but what I think what brings me the most sorrow, is that I have learned to justify this behavior. I always find a a reason, a cause, a need. That allows me the karmic lubrication to stuff my guild into a savage compartment.
I have become the thing. The one I hated. And with that awareness comes periods of days, sometimes weeks. When I have to avoid looking into a mirror. My self hate is so deep, so palpable. I fear I’ll lunge at my own image. Shatter the glass and cut myself with shards of broken reflection.
Since my best friend was killed, I’ve lost my center. Opie was always my pull back to true north. Now my doubt and my sense of fraudulence barks so loudly in my head, that most of the time I can’t hear anything else.
Love, camaraderie, freedom. All the things I want from this life, were lost in the dim. Forgive my indulgence sons, but today may be a day we both remember. A defining day. I want you to look back at this entry and know at the very least, that your father was completely honest. So you know that I speak the truth, when I tell you that you are the most important thing to me. Will never hurt you. Never abandon you. I love you Abel. I love you Thomas. More than anything or anyone. I always will. Everything I do, is for my sons.
- Jax Teller (Season 6 Finale, A Mother’s Work)